Co-Parenting For Divorced Parents. How We Do It

Your Differences Are Not Your Kids Differences.

First and foremost, I would never wish a divorce on anyone. It was one of the hardest things I have ever personally been through. It is rough for everyone involved.

At the same time, I have learned a lot about myself and have come to the realization that as much as my ex-wife and I have our differences and live separate lives we will always still be parents. In fact, we will always have an aspect of our lives that will keep us together, our kids. We are co-parents.

While our personal relationship was a struggle, we work hard to be good at co-parenting. We talk thru hard decisions together. We do birthdays together and often sit near each other at school or sporting events. Even though we have our differences my ex-wife is a great mother! It is one of the things we agree on, LOL!

So what is the co-parenting definition? Co-parenting was coined to describe a parenting relationship in which the two parents of a child who are not romantically involved, still assume responsibility for the upbringing of their child (or children). It has helped to create stability, solid relationships & conflict resolutions.

Look, the last 8 years has had plenty of ‘ups and downs’. Like the great quote from Any Given Sunday with Al Pacino, “I have made every wrong choice a middle-aged man can make.” Not exactly every choice, but as a parent (and co-parent) there has been countless mistakes, many poor choices and frustrating arguments. Today, here are my co-parenting rules. It has been a journey and will continue to be!

Share Together. Celebrate Success.

I love being a parent…most days…some days… OK maybe once in a while. Also, I am realistic in that being a parent is the single hardest thing I have ever done. Every day is a challenge and their are problems.  As hard as it is there are always moments to share together.  It may be photos on Facebook, sharing and laughing about the crazy, funny or stupid things our kids do. This may also include celebrating birthdays, a report card or award they received. Take time to share and celebrate together. It is important enjoy the ride wherever you can! Co-parents must celebrate together!

Communicate Effectively.

This is the most important rule I live by. Personally, at times, I struggle with communication, therefore it is a communication is one of my goals for co-parenting.  Many relationships fail due to poor communications, so carrying that forward to co-parenting can be difficult. For the sake of your kids, you need to maintain a high level of focus on communications that are productive and open. Today, I use email and text as way to regularly communicate. It keeps conversations focused, it helps us both track decisions that have been have made and helps inform others where appropriate (e.g. siblings, spouse, significant other, grandmother, etc.) Co-parents must communicate effectively!

Be Consistent.

As much as kids resist or fight it, having a regular routine and structure is important. As our family counselor said “Make home more like school. At school there are clear rewards and consequences of a given decision.” Having consistent co-parenting rules and privileges in different households is super important. While our rules aren’t the exactly the same, I work to be far more consistent these days than in the past. We also do a better job of talking thru important decisions together. Co-parents must be consistent.

Create Different Environments For Your Kids.

I enjoy time with the kids creating new traditions and having fun together. In addition, I look forward to time with each of them individually. As much as they have each other it is just as important to have time with them each separately as they each value and need different things. Both of my kids value quality time 1 on 1. My daughter loves to draw, throw a football or do creative things together while my son loves sports and video game challenges together. Find time to create new traditions as a family and also continue to make time for each of them individually. It is important you focus on both relationships and give them safe environments to share worries or concerns they may have.

Make It About Business. The Business Is Your Kids.

I recognize that relationships are hard enough, not to mention the ones that end badly or even worse they end in divorce. Today, the conversations are straightforward. The conversation is about business…the business of our children. There will always be many co-parenting scenarios. co-parenting will include disagreements, tough decisions or compromise but don’t let it become anything more than that if you can afford it. Just like any business decision it takes rational, well thought out planning and execution. Stay out of the emotional decisions or reactions wherever you can. Be a great role model to your kids. Co-parents must focus on the business of their kids!

Put Your Differences Aside.

The top priority as a parent is your children. A divorce is hard on everyone, especially your children. Look, most disagreements are somewhere in the middle recognizing that both parties have contributed. A relationship is about compromise, decisions and choices. Regardless of your personal differences do your best to not make your differences your kids differences. Be an adult. Focus on creating the best possible environment for your kids to thrive. Remember, forgiveness is powerful.

Don’t Have Your Kids Manage Middle.

Remember you are the adult, they are the children. I can’t even count the number of times a miscommunication has occurred as a result of having the kids in the middle. That includes schedules, school events, homework or even who was to be where and when. Today, most times I use group text for day-to-day needs and a phone call for the harder parenting discussions (e.g. can our 13-year-old go to the movies by himself?) No children are part of those discussions until we are aligned. Co-parents cannot afford to put their kids in the middle.

Establish A Regular Schedule. Be Adaptable.

Today we have a ‘week on and week off’ with our joint custody schedule. It works for us provides stability and security and creates predictability. I always plan for a consistent schedule. I am also realistic in that it doesn’t always work. I travel regularly and it requires constant adjustments, support and compromise to a shared custody schedule. Also, there are going to be times when a parent is out-of-town or on vacation. That will take adaptability, open communication and decision-making together. My coaching is to be flexible and adaptable. Plan for success but recognize there will always be things you need to manage and make adjustments for. Co-parents must be adaptable!

Remember that life is a game never won or lost, only played.